THE COW HE CAME TO BUY

by

Chapter 19

THEME:
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He opened his mouth.

I continued.

"Do you know what happened in March? Peabody came for payment. I sold my mother's silver comb."

"I never liked that comb."

My laugh was almost a sob.

"It was not yours to like."

"I'm sorry."

"Do you know why Oscar wakes whenever a horse comes after dark?"

Curtis stared at me.

"Because for a year he thought every rider was you."

His face broke.

I had wanted to hurt him.

The moment I succeeded, I hated the satisfaction.

I lowered my voice.

"This is not about paying for leaving. It is about understanding that coming back did not erase what happened while you were gone."

Curtis looked toward the barn.

"I don't know how to fix it."

"Then stop trying to fix the past."

"What do I do?"

I thought of Adrien resetting a crooked gate beside a boy he could have simply ordered.

"Do the next thing right."

Curtis looked at me.

"That's all?"

"No."

I stepped onto the porch.

"But it is where you start."

For two weeks, Curtis did.

He found work at the livery.

He arrived when he said he would.

He brought Oscar no more gifts.

Instead he taught him to tie a bowline.

He repaired the chicken coop.

He sharpened my ax.

He gave me three dollars one Friday and said it was for Oscar.

I almost refused.

Then I realized refusing would be another way of controlling his attempt to become responsible.

I took it.

"Thank you."

His expression softened.

One Sunday, the three of us ate supper at the outdoor table because the cabin was too hot.

For a brief, treacherous half hour, we looked like a family.

Oscar told a story about school.

Curtis laughed.

I laughed too.

Then Curtis reached for my hand.

I moved it.

The smile vanished.

After Oscar went to the barn, Curtis said, "You're never going to forgive me."

"I did not say that."

"Then what are you saying?"

"Forgiveness and marriage are not the same thing."

"They could be."

"No."

"Because of Brandt."

I exhaled.

"Again."

"I see you, Rosalie."

"You see what frightens you."

"You dress nicer on ranch days."

I looked down at my plain blue work dress.

It had two patches.

"Do I?"

"You pin your hair different."

That silenced me because it was true.

I had not admitted it even to myself.

Curtis saw my face.

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