Chapter 15
Others took a second too long.
A new device caught my attention.
A protocol I had once known had been updated.
I found myself thinking of how I might have managed the case years earlier.
Then I corrected myself.
Years earlier was not today.
There was no room for pride inside a trauma bay.
At one point, I noticed a change in the patient’s condition that concerned me.
I leaned toward Evelyn, who was supervising nearby.
“His pressure is trending down again.”
She glanced at the monitor.
“I see it.”
She watched the team for another moment.
Then she gave the attending surgeon a brief instruction.
I stepped back.
I hadn’t saved anyone.
I hadn’t performed a miracle.
I had simply recognized something important and communicated it.
And my hands were shaking.
When the patient was transferred for further care, I stepped into an empty corridor.
My legs felt weak.
Evelyn found me there.
“Well?”
I let out a breath.
“I forgot how loud everything is.”
She smiled.
“It always was.”
“I forgot how quickly you have to think.”
“You’ll have to rebuild that speed.”
I leaned against the wall.
“I felt useless.”
Evelyn folded her arms.
“You weren’t there to be useful in the way you remember.”
I looked at her.
“You were there to observe and learn.”
“I know.”
“Then stop judging yourself by a job you aren’t currently authorized to do.”
I looked down.
She waited.
Finally, I admitted, “I thought I would walk in and feel like myself again.”
Evelyn’s expression softened.
“Mara, you don’t get your old self back by walking into a building.”
I swallowed.
“You build your way back.”
I spent the train ride home watching the city move past the windows.
My reflection looked tired.
My hair was untidy.
There were faint shadows beneath my eyes.
For the first time in years, I didn’t mind.
When I reached my apartment, I found a package waiting outside the door.
It was from the estate.
Inside were several books I had left behind and a small envelope.
Vincent’s handwriting was on the front.
Mara.
I opened it.
There was only one sheet of paper.
I found these in the study.
I thought you might want them.
I didn’t realize how many of your medical books were still here.
I’m sorry I never asked why.
Vincent.
I read the note twice.
Then I put it aside.