Chapter 18
I thought about it.
About the years after Lily died.
About the nights I had blamed myself for traveling.
About the mornings when simply getting out of bed felt impossible.
“I didn't,” I admitted.
He frowned.
“What?”
“I still get angry sometimes. I still miss my daughter. I still have days when everything feels unfair.”
I looked toward the plaque.
“But I learned that anger is a feeling. It doesn't have to become a decision.”
Derek lowered his eyes.
“I wish I'd learned that sooner.”
“So do I.”
He gave a sad little laugh.
Then looked at me.
“I'm sorry, Claire. For the beer. For grabbing you. For what I said about Lily. For everything.”
I studied his face.
I believed he was sorry in that moment.
But I also knew that remorse could be temporary.
Change required consistency.
“Derek,” I said, “I accept that you're apologizing.”
His shoulders relaxed slightly.
“But that doesn't mean things go back to normal.”
He nodded.
“I understand.”
“You need to respect Nicole's boundaries. You need to take responsibility for the money. And you need to make sure Tommy never has to be afraid of you again.”
A tear rolled down his cheek.
“I know.”
I took a breath.
“And Derek?”
He looked up.
“Don't do the work because you want your family back.”
He frowned.
“Then why?”
“Do it because the people around you deserve to be safe and respected. Even if they never come back.”
He stared at me for a long moment.
Then nodded.
“I'll try.”
I shook my head gently.
“Make a plan. Get help. Follow through.”
He looked toward the hospital doors.
“Okay.”
I turned to leave.
Then he spoke again.
“Claire?”
I stopped.
“Your daughter would be proud of you.”
My throat tightened.
I didn't answer immediately.
Then I whispered, “I hope so.”
And walked back to my husband.
That afternoon, Ryan and I visited Lily's memorial garden.
We brought fresh daisies and a little purple butterfly ornament.
Ryan knelt beside the stone.
“Hey, sweetheart,” he whispered.
He had never met Lily.
But every year, he came with me.
Every birthday.
Every anniversary.
Every day I needed him.
He brushed a leaf away from the stone.
“Your mom did something pretty amazing today.”
I laughed through my tears.
“She always did,” he added.
I leaned against him.
For a long time, we sat without speaking.
Then Ryan looked at me.