Chapter 23
The children called him Dad.
The first time Noah did it, Julian went silent for almost a full minute.
He told me later he'd cried in his car.
I believed him.
That afternoon, while everyone else was outside, Julian found me in the kitchen cutting strawberries.
“Need help?”
“You can take these out.”
He picked up the bowl but didn't move.
I looked at him.
“What?”
“I owe you something.”
“If it's money, absolutely not.”
He smiled faintly.
“No.”
Then the smile disappeared.
“I owe you an apology I've been trying not to make about myself.”
I put down the knife.
He leaned against the counter.
“For a long time, I told myself I lost you because Vanessa got pregnant.”
I waited.
“I told myself my father pushed too hard. My mother cared too much about heirs. Vanessa manipulated me.”
“All of those things can be partly true.”
“I know.”
He looked toward the garden where seven children were screaming over bubbles.
“But none of them made me cheat on you.”
“No.”
“None of them made me lie.”
“No.”
“None of them made me sit beside another woman while my father put a price on my marriage.”
I swallowed.
“No.”
He looked at me.
“And none of them stopped me from saying the one thing you asked me to say.”
Tell me not to sign.
The room went quiet.
“I remember,” I said.
“So do I.”
His eyes filled.
“I loved you, Evelyn.”
“I know.”
“I think that's the part I'm most ashamed of.”
I frowned.
“Why?”
“Because I used to think betrayal meant you stopped loving someone.”
He shook his head.
“I know now you can love someone and still be selfish enough to destroy them.”
I stared at him.
Years ago, that confession might have changed everything.
Now it simply felt true.
He continued.
“I am sorry I made you feel disposable.”
I looked toward the window.
Grace was chasing Henry.
Lily had frosting in her hair.
Charles Whitmore was crouched beside Noah helping fix a broken toy truck.
Margaret was holding Ethan's juice cup while pretending she had not just taken three cupcakes.
Vanessa stood beneath the tree laughing at something James said.
Our lives were not clean.
But they were honest.
“You did make me feel disposable,” I said.
Julian nodded.
“And then I learned I wasn't.”
He looked at me.
“That was never because you had four children.”