Chapter 10
This time he texted first.
Marina replied with one sentence.
**You can come from two to four.**
He arrived at 1:47.
He sat in his car until exactly two because something about being given a visiting window made his chest ache.
Elise was gone.
Marina let him inside and handed him a clean burp cloth.
“Nell ate twenty minutes ago. She’ll probably sleep.”
Adam nodded.
“I can take her.”
For the first half hour, things went better.
Nell slept on his chest while he sat stiffly on the sofa.
He barely moved.
Her breath warmed the fabric of his shirt.
One tiny ear pressed against him.
Adam stared at it.
He had spent the last several months imagining fatherhood as a collection of future scenes.
Teaching her to ride a bicycle.
Walking her into kindergarten.
Taking her to Pirates games.
Intimidating teenage boys.
Paying for college.
He had imagined the dramatic parts.
The parts that looked like fatherhood from far away.
He had not understood that fatherhood was also knowing where the extra pacifier was at 3:00 a.m.
It was washing bottle parts.
Remembering medication.
Answering when someone called five times.
It was being boringly, repeatedly available.
Nell twitched in her sleep.
Adam whispered, “I’m sorry.”
Marina heard him.
She was sitting across the room with a heating pad tucked against her abdomen.
“For what?” she asked.
He looked up.
“I don’t know where to start.”
“Then don’t use me to organize your guilt.”
He flinched.
She closed her eyes.
After a moment she said, “Sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize.”
“I know.”
That hurt too.
He looked at her carefully.
“How are you feeling?”
“Better.”
“The infection?”
“Cleared.”
“Does it still hurt?”
“Yes.”
“What did the doctor say?”
“That healing takes time.”
“Can I come to your next appointment?”
Marina opened her eyes.
“If you want to.”
“I do.”
“That’s different from me managing your attendance.”
Adam nodded.
“I understand.”
“No, you’re beginning to.”
He accepted that.
Over the next week, Adam came every day.
At first, Marina gave him specific windows.
Two hours.
Then three.
He learned that Nell hated cold wipes.
He learned that she made a strange squeaking sound before sneezing.
He learned Marina kept a spare pacifier clipped inside the diaper bag because otherwise she lost them constantly.
He learned how to warm a bottle without overheating it.
He learned that his daughter settled when someone slowly rubbed the spot between her eyebrows.