Chapter 17
“They looked terrible in that pitcher.”
“They looked expensive.”
“They were.”
“That was never our problem.”
“No.”
They sat quietly.
A stroller passed outside.
Adam watched a father pushing it one-handed while carrying coffee in the other.
“What was the worst night?” he asked.
Marina’s expression shifted.
“What?”
“When I was gone.”
She looked down at her tea.
“You don’t want that answer.”
“I do.”
“No. You want information because information makes you feel like you’re participating retroactively.”
He winced.
After a moment she said, “But I’ll tell you.”
Adam waited.
“The thirteenth.”
“The night you decided to leave.”
“Yes.”
“Nell screamed from around midnight until almost three.”
Adam stared at her.
“I had barely slept for days. My incision burned every time I stood up. My milk supply had dropped because of the fever. I was convinced Nell was hungry and that I was failing her.”
Marina’s hands tightened around the cup.
“Bernice kept telling me babies cry. She kept telling me I was doing fine.”
Her voice thinned.
“I remember walking around the living room in circles because sitting hurt and standing hurt and lying down hurt.”
Adam’s eyes burned.
“I called you.”
“I know.”
“No.”
She shook her head.
“I didn’t.”
He blinked.
“I picked up the phone. I opened your name. And then I didn’t press call.”
“Why?”
“Because suddenly I knew what would happen.”
Marina looked directly at him.
“You would answer if it was convenient. Or you wouldn’t. And if you didn’t, I would feel abandoned twice.”
Adam’s mouth opened.
Nothing came.
“So I put the phone down.”
Her eyes filled now.
“I handed Nell to Bernice. I went into the bathroom. And I cried harder than I cried when they told me I needed surgery.”
Adam pressed his lips together.
“When I came out, I packed.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know.”
“I should have been there.”
“Yes.”
“If I could change—”
“You can’t.”
The words were gentle.
That gentleness nearly destroyed him.
“You can only decide who you are after it.”
Adam nodded.
Marina checked her phone.
A message from Carol had arrived with a photograph of Nell asleep.
Marina smiled immediately.
Adam watched the transformation.
For one second, all the exhaustion left her face.
There she was.
The woman he knew.
But the smile had not been summoned by him.
That realization would have enraged the version of Adam who came home carrying roses.